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Love and despair passed on life after life

One day I got a client named sidhi (name changed), a young beautiful smart girl, Sidhi had just completed her school and I could clearly see the enthusiasm to join college was missing in her. Actually her mother was my client and wanted me to do a session on her daughter. I usually never accept such clients and always prefer to do a session only when the client is interested. But when the mom was insisting I agreed to meet this young girl and thought that after initial talks I can leave it for the girl to decide whether she needed a session or not.

During history taking I realized that the girl was getting depressed with the family condition where father is under the influence of alcohol most of the time and during such times he is not aware what he is saying and to whom he is saying. Ultimately Sidhi had made herself such that she felt that the letter dad in her vocabulary does not exist anymore and she had started hating him to the core. Moreover she had seen her mom struggle throughout her life. She felt although mom loved her a lot but due to the situation at home she could not give quality time to her kids. Mom herself was completely dejected in her life as such she was so low in her energies when she reached home after hard day at work that she did not have any love left. Moreover after reaching home there was total chaos, she was herself mentally drained what could she share with her kids. So sidhi was left alone to deal with herself she became more connected to her grandparents who used to pamper her. Meanwhile sidhi became very much attached to a school friend and found the love she was missing at home somewhere in him. But one big problem which she failed to realize was that he was a staunch muslim and she a hindu Brahmin How would everyone approve of this friendship when our society recognizes only conditional love not which was in between them selfless unconditional. When her brother and mom got to know about this they became very strict and took all promises from her that she would never ever meet him again thereby snatching the only love her life. Now when sidhi came to me she had become completely insensitive towards any relationship and was happy in her world of books that’s why her mom wanted her to experience PLR to let her realize her true self. Now sidhi while narrating her story broke down many times and had become very weak crying. So I had to give her little bit of relaxation and after initial pre-requisites we started off with the session.

Th: What comes to your awareness.

Cl: I feel calm...static....

Th: Where are you. Look at your legs what are you wearing.

Cl: I am wearing normal clothes. I felt a breeze come through my legs....but it is still pitch black....there is tall grass....coming till my waist...i am wearing blue shorts and white shirt...i feel younger i am running through grass...I have bob hair....I am practicing bharatnatyam...I am bit older and fatter...it is a closed home...it has walls ....i thought people are there but i feel alone...now I am practicing bharatnatyam...There is someone i don’t recognise...she is wearing red Dhavani(half saree worn in south India)...she is looking at me...am unable to zoom into her face..she is not telling anything to me...i feel close to her....i don’t think we are related...she is much younger to me...i am in my 30s...

Th: How is she calling you.....Whats your name....

Cl: My name starts with A.....Its Anamika....We are in some other house...its old traditional house...Place in centre of the house where there is no roof...4 pillars in the middle of hall and we are just playing...its not raining...somewhere in south india....I am also wearing maroon davni...i have braided my hair....i am wearing jumki earrings....i maybe in my 20s....i have a plastic sword...i am practicing for a play....There is somebody else in the room a man who is older maybe in his 40s...he is watching...he is few feet near me...there is a big pot...i am going near it and drinking water from copper tumbler....small girls are there 2-3 i am smiling and laughing with them...now i am standing at the entrance of this house...its in a village am standing at the entrance of this house.....there is a room in my left and there is a single cot and there are pots which are empty...outside a huge hall same place where i was playing earlier.....There is another door front one in the middle I am seeing lots of sun’s rays.....very bright....lots of trees...open areas...so many trees....the place where i am standing has lots of trees not next to me...i am going to climb one of the tree...i am standing in front of the tree....thinking whether i should climb....or not..Maybe I will..I climbed and now am at the top.....there are branches....I am using one of them to protect me...i am looking down there is a child...who is shocked....he is wearing yellow T-shirt...and red shorts...I am getting down....i pick him up....and hug....he is not my son...i know him....the child slept on my arms...i am following the trees...there is a stream it is separating this side of land from next....i feel like if I cross I will get washed away....I am still taking this child who is now standing next to me...and holding my hand...I am feeling stretched...and shoulders...and my joints are paining....

Th: Its ok its only abreaction don’t worry....

Cl: I am looking at flowing water...I think I want to go...I don’t think the child wants to go...I am leaving the child here and I step into the stream...I am flowing with it lots of rocks...quite bumpy....There is a huge rock...it ends after water fall....there is a rock...I jumped and got hit....There’s blood which is flowing only in one direction...My head is not splattered body is intact...I think I am dead....I am not alive...I am able to see myself...like from outside....I feel separated from that girl..I am leaving that and going.....up in the air...up the water falls...I feel sad...I am searching for the child to see whether it’s ok....but can’t see him....It’s only dense forest...I am on the clouds now...very sunny...I feel light...dont have a body...anymore....I feel I have done all my duties....I feel I jumped up the water fall...I couldn’t do anything else....

She wanted to know why she jumped in and what happened to her child so she was taken little further..I am married its my son....I have husband who is wearing veshti(its dhoti)...banyan...Earlier I thought he is not nice he is abusive...he looks like..I see 2 people..elderly couple....they are swinging old type swing....wooden...she is wearing madisar flower and malli...poo (hair decorated with flowers)...they are not my inlaws...I am thinking whether they are my parents or grand parents...They are directly related to me...I am hugging and sitting with them....I look happy...I feel younger and I feel am their adopted child....very happy....just 3 of us...i can see the same house.....i think the man has passed away....the lady is consoling me...he is dead...days have passed and i am still sad...and sitting on the flour....I am more affected by his death...she is giving me coffee...nothing is changing...there are 2 people....coming inside the house...one is old middle aged and another is his son..I think they have come to see me...I like the guy...we both are in relationship....I want to get married to him...the boy whom i saw now is smiling not sad he seems to be very happy...he is smiling and holding me...he is telling me to smile...he tells there is nothing to worry...I am hugging ....i feel better but I am still sad...he is leaving...i don’t see his father...both have gone now...I am older by 4-5 years i am in front of mirror wearing a green blouse and yellow sarree...I am about to get married...nobody else is there I am grooming myself...wearing my garments....its a different room...there is the photo of the person who has died....up on the wall...rose garland is there....I look at him and cry but am not sad...just wanted to tell him I miss him...I am going out of the house...it looks similar...its a bright day.. I see guy whom I liked he is wearing pant and shirt...I am dressed like a bride....there is some misunderstanding....we both are arguing....I am reacting more...than he is....he is telling me to wait.....not to get married....I am going back to the same room...sitting in front of the mirror...Another girl ...comes to the room she is always reaction less....face no expression....she is just staring at me.....I look very angry...she is disappointed with me...and angry she is going away...towards my left is a shelf sliding one....big one...I am opening by sliding and papers are rolled up....there are rubber bands.....whole row is filled with that...there is a book stuck...I am picking it up....old notebook...fat ...someone has written not a single page left...I feel like its in tamil but I cant read....there is pillaiyar suzhi above...it belongs to the man who died....I don’t think he has written ... someone else.....has written it....

I am back to the place where I died.... my body is......still there on the rock.......I am invisible....The child is looking at the water...he is confused....running back....home...it’s a small house...same place....The guy I liked he looks like he is in deep thoughts.....The child is going to him...he is hugging the child...he is going....he seems to like the child....he is wearing the same clothes....I see my husband...he doesn’t like the child...I don’t like my husband....My husband always leaves the child with the person I like...he is going somewhere...he is digging grave...in the middle of those trees...they have retrieved my body...he is a powerful man...people listen to him...they have buried me...at night...men have left he is taking bath...I have not been completely buried he is looking at my face...he doesn’t seem to be bad....he wants to cry but does not....he is crying....he is going back to the house...the guy I like is still having my child..and playing with him....he is very happy on seeing my child...Now I want to leave....

Th: Whats your learning from this life...

Cl: I don’t learn but don’t feel my life ended abruptly...that time...I feel I got answers and made peace...I feel I have done all my duties...and my committing suicide was impulsive....all my duties and responsibilities...my dying has made him nice....he is talking to the guy and being nice to him....in the house only both of them and child ....I have another child small girl child also...Thats also my child...They feel respected for me...There is a photo frame of mine....My son is very close to my daughter...he is elder...they never fight....that guy only raised my kids...he is not married...I feel that guy is the father of my kids...I feel light.... am in the clouds....I can see the sun..




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